The Mind's Eye
Visualizing without the visuals.
I found out what aphantasia was about a year and a half ago, when I realized I had it.
For those who don’t know what is either (maybe you have it too!), it’s the inability to visualize—like, at all. Yes, that’s right, I work in a visual medium and I can’t visualize.
I always assumed when people said things like “picture it in your mind’s eye,” they were being metaphorical. But it turns out most of you can actually see things with your eyes closed!!
Shocking.
This is how I found out: I was reading the comments on a site where I do guided meditations and—wait for it—visualizations.
Someone had asked if they worked for people with aphantasia. I thought “what the hell is that?”
So I googled it. I found this very simple aphantasia test where you rate how vividly you can picture an apple. I’m a 5. That means total darkness.
Was it hereditary?
Did I have a calcified pineal gland?
Could it be a result of childhood trauma?1
Imagine living your whole life thinking only dogs could hear dog whistles and then you find out that no, almost everyone hears them except for you. That’s what it felt like.
Which was wild, because I do so many things that involve visualization—meditation, hypnotherapy, even a class once on psychic development. We were supposed to picture ourselves sitting in front of a movie screen and then project different images onto the screen.
Again, I thought it was a metaphor.
When I visualize something, it’s like I know that it’s there, but I can’t literally see it. My kind of visualization has nothing to do with my eyes, it’s like it’s coming from the back of my head. And really, that’s where my focus is. If I want to try and actually see something, I have to bring my attention back to my eyes. And then I just see black.
It’s hard to explain.
Since I found out about the aphantasia, I’ve been trying to see if there’s anything I can do to change it. Like concentrating really hard or listening to something like this:
Nothing’s worked yet.
I have insanely vivid cinematic dreams, so I know that my mind can produce these images. I also once had a clairvoyant vision. I know that sounds nuts, but I don’t know what else to call it.
I had just gotten on the 2 freeway in Echo Park, and took the immediate exit to get on the 5 north. The on ramp curved around so I couldn’t see what was up ahead, and I was driving pretty fast.
Out of nowhere, I got this flash of a scene in front of me: an overturned semi-truck blocking the left lane just around the bend. I hit the brakes, and when I turned the corner, there was the semi just like I’d seen.
I swerved out of the way and everything was fine. But if I hadn’t hit the brakes moments earlier, I definitely would have crashed right into it.
At the time, I’d recently gotten back from Peru where I’d spent two weeks drinking ayahuasca in the Amazon. So maybe that had knocked something loose in my brain and let the images flow.
Or maybe it’s all just miscommunication.
Maybe all of you aren’t really seeing things with your eyes closed. Maybe it’s that the words we use to describe consciousness are insufficient. We’ll never truly know what goes on inside another person’s mind.
At least not until we start porting directly into each other’s brains or something.
So no, I can’t picture an apple. Can you?
Until next time,
Tara
Mom if you’re reading this, please let me know in the comments.
Is it possible that you so rigorously unlearned seeing via the eyes in favour of recognizing/listening via the soul, that images with significance/resonance have become a baseline of sorts for your visualization (meaning a totally contrived apple wouldn't meet that requirement)?
My dreams are similarly vivid, for instance, but the only ones I retain any memory of (visual and otherwise) are the ones that are guiding me. It's like my mind has trained itself to be its own psychic dietician; "Nice flying dream, bucko, but you don't need that right now."